Codependency Caused by Attachment Trauma

Are you a people pleaser?

Do you feel like you are invisible or that you don’t matter?

Do you feel an emptiness inside?

Today is actually your lucky day, because I am about to tell you why you may have answered 'yes' to these questions. I have been on a very long journey (and still am), healing from codependency. I have been uncovering, piece by piece, why I consistently put others needs before my own, and have battled with a significantly low sense of self worth. I have lived much of my life, serving the people around me, rendering myself completely unworthy and invisible. I have known that I have had these behaviours for a long time, yet struggled to understand why, or how to change them. Layer by layer, I have uncovered the reasons why, and how to heal myself.

It’s called, attachment trauma, or sometimes called abandonment trauma.

Attachment trauma is when you are unable to have your needs met by your caregiver because they were unable to attune to you for a variety of reasons. They may have been an alcoholic, depressed, emotionally detached, had a child who was mentally ill, or were narcissistic. There is a whole variety of reasons, but the primary issue is a lack of EMOTIONAL ATTUNEMENT.

We need to have our emotions validated as a child to feel seen, heard and acknowledged as an individual. If there is a lack of emotional attunement, you will have learnt that your emotions do not matter, and therefore, you do not matter. If our emotions are not validated, we are not able to develop a sense of self, because it has not been reflected back to us. This is why the behavioural pattern that develops is one that consistently serves others, and not the self, because there is no awareness that there is a separate self. This also causes one to have significantly porous boundaries, because, again, they don’t realise there is a separate self, and a physical boundary between them and another person - because they cannot see themselves.

If you have suffered from attachment trauma, you will notice there is a big rift in your relationship with either one or both of your primary caregivers. It cannot be explained but you may feel anxious around them, that they don’t really ‘see’ you, and in some cases, even though they are physically present, it is as though, ‘no one is home’. A healthy relationship should make you feel loved, nurtured, good about yourself, and feel seen, acknowledged and heard.

The consequences of attachment trauma are wide ranging. It makes it nearly impossible to attract healthy, emotionally attuned relationships into your life, as you do not know how to create a healthy attachment with people. Your ability to create a healthy attachment is imperative in any relationship. You can read more about ‘Attachment Theory’ to learn more about this. Most of your experiences in relationships will leave you feeling unheard, unseen, and you may even allow yourself to be emotionally abused, because that is how it felt when you were growing up.

Attachment trauma affects all areas of your life on a daily basis, because all your decisions and choices will unconsciously be to serve others, rather than yourself. This means your default program is to make choices for others, than for your own life path. We all have our own life path and purpose to follow, that our soul has come here to play out, and the struggle for those with attachment trauma is to trust the internal guidance system that leads them on that path. The first steps to healing is to become aware you are living out this program. Secondly, to take steps to reconnect with your feelings and emotions, and redevelop your connection to your self worth and importance in this world.

My name is Stephanie Wallace. I am a transformational life coach, counsellor and yoga facilitator. I would love to support you in your journey back to yourself, to overcome attachment trauma, and validate your experience, so you can live the life you are destined to live. I am offering you a free 30 minute session to begin. If you feel called to journey with me, CONTACT ME so we can get started.

With love, Steph


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